Understanding

We all carry a cross. A burden on our shoulders.

My burden is the trying to understand.

Here I am. A 25 years old woman.

I have been to many places. In my mind, and in others'. In my world and in others'.

In my dream and in others'.

Have I ever understood my own mind? My own world? My own dream?

My life is a constant discovery. A light and heavy journey.

So many questions that have never been asked from me, yet I'm asking it from others!

Tell me what you feel! Tell me what you think! Tell me who you are! Tell me that you love me!?

Haven't been asked, because I never heard them! I heard something else all the time!

You are not enough! You are not enough! To me, you are not enough!

Be here, but not near me! Be near, but don't hear me! Be, but don't tell me!

So many sentences we say all the time. So many questions which none of us answers well enough.

What do I really want to know?

How to become enough.

Isn't it, to answer my own questions to myself?

I feel lonely in my hole. Trying to reach out to the sun. The sun is light, and I am dark.

And other times I shine like the sun and others are trying to reach out to me from their dark.

But I can't shine like the sun! It's not allowed! I burn if I fly too high.

What is it that I need to understand?

Talking is not the thing itself. It has never been talking that helped!

We can still hurt so much and so many people.

I want to understand what I am.

I am a human, that tries to be superhuman.

I have my own concept of super. But it is to conquer!

I want to conquer things! People! Places! Emotions!

But first I have to conquer myself.

And here I hit the brick wall with my pure hands!

What's inside my head?!?

It is the hardest to get!

If I would say it's easy, I would lie to myself!

But that is what I am doing anyways always!

We lie everything, because we don't have the truth.

No light can shine in front, that tells us where the road goes.

I wish to say, that I keep myself to my promises. To my truths which I've discovered.

But the truth is, that I don't know where the truth is, so I go astray all the times from mine and from the truths all around. Because I focus on different truths and my path curves with all my failures of my past.

I believe, that there were times I did well. Times when I have seen well! And other times I failed to do the right thing that was required. 

...

(2018 november)